With all of the media buzz on abortion lately, I thought I’d share with you a time in my life that contributed to the depression I carried around with me for so long. This is something I still regret today, but I thank my Father in Heaven for forgiving me and letting me know that I’ll see my baby one day.
When I was much younger, about 23 years ago, I got pregnant. I was immature and very promiscuous, and I had no idea what I was going to tell my family. I could not see myself raising a child on my own, so I resorted to having an abortion. This single deed destroyed my life, but I wouldn’t know it until several years later.
I remember the day very clearly and I remember that there were 3 people standing outside of the clinic I went to in southern California. They tried to talk me out of what I was about to do, but I was scared and wouldn’t listen to them. I wish I had been taught more about the consequences of having an abortion earlier in my life because, If I knew then what I know now, I don’t think I would have gone through with it.
I don’t remember much about the procedure and part of me is grateful for that, but sometimes I feel like I deserve the punishment for what I did. Once I healed, and for years after, I didn’t look back on that dreadful day. I really thought that I was saved from so much and I thought God had given me a chance to start over. Little did I know how selfish I was and that having an abortion was and is something God abhors.
I won’t get into the details of what babies go through during an abortion, but I will say that I’ve attended some pretty intense hearings over the last several years at the State Capitol here in New Mexico. I’ve also had the opportunity to voice my concerns about abortion at one of these hearings. Unfortunately, New Mexico is the abortion capitol of the nation. This is something that many people here appreciate. I don’t.
One day, about 6 years after I had my abortion, Something made me think about my past and the abortion popped into my mind. At this particular point in my life, God was knocking on the door of my heart, but I wasn’t ready to open the door for Him. I was still very rebellious and I wanted to keep fulfilling my earthly desires. The same desires that made my life a living hell in the first place. No matter how hard I tried, I could not forget what I did to that little human life, even to this day.
Throughout the following years I would often think of the baby I should’ve had and I’d become sad and angry about what I did to him or her. Once I learned what the abortion process entails, it became harder to live with what I had done. To be honest with you, I still go through the grieving process often, and there are days like today, where I wish I could go back and live my life differently. But that wasn’t part of God’s plan and I’m grateful for that too because every detail of my life has made me who I am today.
Today I’m stronger than ever. It’s not because of anything I’ve done, but because of what God did for me. He not only taught me that He knew the baby before I had my abortion, but He taught me that He also knew me before He formed me in my own mother’s womb. He knew every single step that I’d take throughout my life, even if those steps paced backward when they were supposed to move forward, and He forgave me for all of the horrible things I’ve done in my life.
Sanctification came long before I gave my life to my Father because He knew that one day He’d save me from my suffering. Had I answered the door for Him when He first knocked, I would have saved myself from a lot of trouble and possibly saved the life of someone I never knew I’d love so much. But I didn’t and that’s okay because I still got to meet my Father while I still live on this earth.
Did you know that God knew you before you were born? Did you know that He is willing to give you His yolk which is light and easy? We can beat ourselves up about things we’ve done in the past, but the best way to overcome our past hurts and hang-ups is to answer the door and give ourselves to our Father in Heaven. We are His chosen, beloved people and He doesn’t want us to suffer anymore. He wants to give us crowns of victory and an eternity where there is no suffering or sadness. Answer the door, friend.
We have all been through something that creeps up into our mind at one point or another, and if you need to talk, I’d love to help as much as I can. I am not a counselor or a therapist, but I am a sister in Christ and I have a gospel of salvation to share with you. Jesus died for all of us, let me share Him with you. God bless you.