What does depression look like to you? Most people assume depression looks like constant crying or anger, and it can look like that, however, it can also be something much different for others who experience depression. I was mean when I was depressed. People who met me within the last 10 or so years don’t believe me when I tell them that because my demeaner is totally different nowadays.
For me, depression kept me from having healthy relationships with people. It was a constant battle of trying to discover who I really was, without giving up who I had been for so long. I don’t know why, but I wanted to hold onto my anger and hatred. I guess I felt powerful with a hardened heart. It wasn’t until I was healed that I discovered how much of an overcomer I’d become with God’s strength and spirit.
When I think back on the years of my depression, one particular day stands out in my mind the most. It was the darkest day out of many years and it was the same day I overdosed on my medication. From the time I woke up that morning until I realized I was in a hospital bed, I couldn’t see any colors in the world. Everything, including the trees and sky looked gray, and my heart felt so heavy and dark. I could barely get my body out of bed that day. I just wanted to die so that I couldn’t hurt anyone else, especially my children who had endured my deep darkness for so long.
Can I honestly tell you that I snapped out of my depression after God didn’t let me succumb to darkness? Absolutely not! Every single circumstance that I went into the hospital with still existed. Every single bad thought I had and the heaviness in my soul and body still existed as well. Nothing changed in an instant except for the hand Jesus held out for me to grab.
Every person is responsible for his or her thoughts, words, and actions, and when we make poor decisions, it’s no one’s fault but ours. Thankfully, once God forgives us, He never brings up that sin again. I didn’t grasp Jesus hand that day, but I finally took hold of him several days later at my friend’s church. I wish I had grabbed onto his hand much sooner though. Then I wouldn’t have had to suffer for so long with my own strength. I would have known the glory of God’s goodness toward me and I’d be so much better for it.
Friend, if you’re suffering with depression, addiction, or any other bondage and you can’t find your way out, there is hope. We are created in God’s image and we’re capable of overcoming the things that try to destroy us. If we look to ourselves, we are weak. If we have faith and look to our Savior, we find that He can still lift us up out of the pit, even with holes in His hands and feet. His yolk is light and He wants to carry your burden for you. It’s not a fair trade, but it’s a blessing we can’t pass up if we want to see God’s creation in color.
If you need to talk, I’m here. I’ve dealt with some pretty harsh things in my life and I would like for you to know that you’re not alone. You are loved so much by a Savior who died to know you! Let me share Him with you.