If you were to ask my mom which of her three kids was most rebellious, she would tell you about me. Throughout most of my life, I did the opposite of what I was told. I wasn’t afraid of anything and if I was dared to do something dangerous, I would do it without hesitation. It’s a miracle that I’m alive today. I was naughty and definitely didn’t live up to God’s standards for my life. Because of the decisions I made, I was dealt some heavy blows and couldn’t understand why these things were happening to me. It wasn’t until I became a believer that I realized I was the reason these things were happening to me. I could no longer play the victim, nor did I want to. If I wanted a good relationship with the LORD, I needed to live to please Him and not me, so that’s what I did and still try to do today.
Lamentations 2:11 “My eyes fail with tears, my heart is troubled.” Depression consumed my life for a very long time because of the choices I made for my kids and for myself. It was like living in a dark room 24/7 and not being able to find my way out. Drama constantly followed me because I invited it and I hurt so many people, some who still love me today (thankfully!). I know that some people have depression, not because of circumstances but because of a chemical imbalance or some other medical condition. I do have clinical depression too, but I am fully aware that it can be controlled and sometimes our life choices cause us to fall into a pit of despair. The distress I felt through most of my life was because of me, not because of my thyroid or anything else. When the room got too dark, I attempted suicide. That was not what God wanted for me.
God Is Good, Satan Is Not
Lamentations 3:25 “The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.” What happens when you focus on God? You lose sight of the bad things. The LORD desires our attention and our submission. He wants us to be on fire for Him and not just half-in/half-out. “So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth (Revelation 3:16).” If we live for the LORD, we will have peace to deal with the tough stuff (Philippians 4:7). This means we have to shift our thoughts and our heart’s desires around until they mimic what Jesus did for us on the cross and during His time with the disciples. We are commanded to think about things that are pure, lovely, of good report, and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). If we do this, God will be with us (Philippians 4:9). He desires for us to have a life that pleases Him because He knows what’s good for us. When we live a life of disobedience and rebellion, the life we live belongs to Satan. “You are of your father the devil, and the desires of your father you want to do (John 8:44)”
Psalm 49:15 “But God will redeem my soul from the power of the grave, for He shall receive me.” Redemption for me was when God stretched out His hand pulled me out of the dark room of despair. I’m not kidding when I say that He changed my life in almost an instant. Did my problems go away at that moment? No. But God really did a work in me by teaching me how to make better decisions for Him. He made a new creation in me, and I am forever grateful. Depression can seem like this huge elephant in the room, but it doesn’t have to. Seek help if you feel like you can’t handle it. There are tons of Christian counselors out there or go to your pastor or doctor. God cares about the condition of your heart, and He can show you what needs to go and what needs to stay. He is willing to save your life like He did for me, just call on Him. He loves you!